Not very often do I write my true thoughts down on my blog. I usually try to save that for my journal. I am a very private person and don't like for people to know how truly sensitive and vulnerable I am. However, I can't seem to find time to write in both my journal and my blog. So sometimes, like my recent post on our trying for another baby, I just let my thoughts flow freely. Today, is another one of those days.
On Friday January 29, I went in to have a hsg (hysterosalpingogram) done. I was so thankful to have such a nice radiologist and nurse. They made me feel such at ease through a very nerve racking and painful experience. The results were encouraging, it appeared that my right tube was blocked due to an injury or infection. Usually, after having this procedure is done, if there is a blockage, it clears it out and helps you get pregnant. From what I had read, however, the statistics of that happening aren't extremely high. I also read, that if it does clean everything out, it can still take up to 3 months. I didn't want to get my hopes up, so while I felt very good about the procedure, I didn't want to set myself up for more disappointment.
I had previously been taking clomid, but had been so focused on the upcoming test, that I had forgotten to get it filled. (I wasn't 100% sure I really needed clomid when I was taking it. I had just had some off months where it made me think maybe I wasn't ovulating after all). The following week, after the procedure, was when I ovulated and was excited to see that I did indeed ovulate on my own! This was even more encouraging than anything, because I had never had a problem with ovulating before, hence my two kids that came so quickly.
As the time approached to take a pregnancy test, I was feeling really anxious. I had this deep feeling that I was pregnant this time, but had felt that before, and didn't want to get my hopes up (of course I was already hoping though). I wasn't due for my period until Saturday, but that Thursday night (February 18th) I caved and took a test. Before, I could even look at the results, I wiped and had pink on the toilet paper. I of course assumed my period was early and thought to myself, what a waste of another test! (This has happened to me many of times, where I would be a few days late, so I could take a test, and then start my period within the next 5 minutes). Well, as I went to throw the test away, I noticed that there were 2 pink lines! I didn't know what to think. Was it another false positive? Was I pregnant and having an early miscarriage? So instead of being so thrilled, I was hesitant to let myself be excited. I ended up taking another test that night, and another one the next morning (dollar store tests). They were both positive. I also had my blood work done, and the doctor called late Friday, to tell me I was indeed pregnant! I still didn't allow myself to get excited because I was cramping really bad, as bad, if not worse, then when I had my miscarriage. First thing Monday I went in and got my levels re-tested to see if they were increasing. Turns out that my levels were fine as well as my progesterone levels. I finally allowed myself to be excited and to start thinking about all the fun things new moms think about.
After my miscarriage, 3 years ago today, I decided not to tell anyone that we were expecting, except for close friends and family, until I was 12 weeks along. This time, I even thought it would be fun to wait until we knew what we were having to say anything. However, after trying for 13 months, I ended up only keeping it a secret for like 4 days! I then wished I hadn't said anything, and just kept it a secret, but what can you do, I was so excited!
I still continued to cramp and was really anxious to have my first appointment. I just had this feeling that something was not quite right. I was so nervous that the ultrasound was going to confirm my worries, and our baby would be dead. Well, as many of you know my baby is doing just fine, and we are so very blessed to not only have 1 baby, but 2 babies! My initial reaction was not surprised because I have felt I was having twins for awhile now. However, as much as you "think" something is going to happen, it still doesn't prepare you for the fact, that it IS actually happening. I had a million different thoughts going through my head, "No wonder I am so tired. No wonder I keep gaining weight. How am I going to have 4 kids with the oldest being 31/2? I am having twins!"
One of the thoughts that came out, when the doctor said they are identical was, "Oh, fun!" Well, he immediately set me straight. He proceeded to tell me this was not fun, but serious. He went on to say that there is no membrane between the babies and that if this was the case then I could be delivering them at 24 weeks. I can't remember all he said, but I do remember that he scared me to death. It is good to be aware of possible risks. However, I don't feel that the extra stress has been helpful, when there is no way to know if they are Monoamniotic twins, until at least 8 weeks. I am doing my best to reverse everything he told me, and just wait to see what happens. However, Monoamniotic is very high risk, and I just want to prepare myself that I could lose 1 or both of these babies. There is no reason to worry about that at this point though.
Clif and I, then decided it would be best to go to the Univeristy of Utah. I am putting forth faith that the doctors there can make me feel at ease, and know the best solution for our situation. We are so excited for this new adventure. While, I am scared out of my mind, I also feel extremely blessed. I pray that I can be a good mother to all 4 of my children. I truly worry about being a good mother, more than anything else. I already feel like I could be so much better than I am. I just hope I can live up to the expectations I have of myself and I know my Heavenly Father has of me.
Clif and I are both really excited, I just am scared of getting too excited and then losing one or both of them. I am trying to prepare myself for that, but at the sametime be excited for this wonderful blessing! We are having twins and we are so excited to start this new chapter in our lives!
