This month marks a year since Clif and I have been trying to have another baby. I was hoping so bad that this would be the month. Clif doesn't know this, but if I was pregnant, I was going to wrap up the test and give it to him as a gift. I probably thought about it more this month than anything. I thought about the possibility of us having twins, since in runs in both of our families, and I am on clomid. We had previously talked about naming our next boy Timothy James -TJ (After our two fathers) and I thought Hailey Jane goes really well with that. I mostly thought about surprising Clif. No one would probably guess this, but he wants it just as bad as I do.
About two months ago we got a positive test. I was so excited to tell him because it has been so long in the waiting. Clif was so excited. Later that night I took another test, I was just so excited that I wanted to see it again. It was negative. Clif and I both had a good cry. That month and this month have probably been the hardest, but they have all been hard.
I got pregnant with our first child the first month we tried. We were both happy, but surprised it happened so quickly. 7 weeks later I lost that baby in the hospital. I still remember pulling it out of the toilet and wanting got know if it was a girl. That was a hard day. That was in March and I found out two short months later that I was pregnant with Spencer. At the time, it felt like the LONGEST months ever, and I expected it to happen the first month. I remember being scared the entire pregnancy that I was going to lose him. When Spencer came, it was one of the happiest days of my life. Shortly, after having Spencer I was in our truck and I remember having a feeling that we would have more then the 4 we wanted. I then started telling people we were going to have 6 because I don't like odd numbers. Since then I have decided that 5 would be just as good :) Seven months after having Spencer I got my IUD out and that month I got pregnant with Addy. I went into the doctor for a cold and came out knowing we were having another child!
Then we decided we would like our next child to be as close as our first two. I really assumed I would get pregnant the first month. That month was kind of hard because I never got my period, so I kept thinking I was pregnant. I actually didn't get my period for two months after I got my IUD out. So once it started, I thought it would for sure happen that month. Six months later I had the feeling that this must be a patience lesson, as I have never been patient when I decide I want to do something. I felt I had learned my lesson, as 6 months was way longer than my miscarriage and getting pregnant with Spencer combined. Pretty much after that was when it kept getting harder and harder. It was hard when Addy turned 16 months, the same age Spencer was when I had her. It was hard when everyone around me was pregnant. It is hard when everyone has now had their babies and I still am not pregnant
Everyone always has well meaning advice. (They are all trying to help, I just don't think anything really helps when you can't have a baby). The thing is that logically of course I know all these things. I know that it will happen when it is meant to be, I know that I have two beautiful kids who I am very very blessed to have, I know that some people don't have any kids and I feel for them now more than ever before, I know you shouldn't stress, etc. I even know that it doesn't make me a bad mom, but I have felt like it. I felt like maybe I wasn't being patient enough with my own kids, so I worked on trying not to raise my voice or be short with them and I spent more time with them and less on the computer, hence my lack of blogging. I tried to fix everything bad about myself, hoping then that God would trust me with another baby. There are two times in the year that I was trying that I had the feeling it was going to be this month. Since that obviously isn't true, I even don't trust my own feelings or judgement.
When I was trying to get pregnant after my miscarriage I heard over and over not to stress. I was "stressing" in the fact that I wanted a baby then! This time hasn't been like that. As I said, the first 6 months were me really being patient. The next 6 have been disappointments, but still filled with the hope that it would happen the next month. In fact, this last month I was more concerned with spending quality time with my husband since I wouldn't see him for 3 weeks. I realize that even this letter seems like I am stressed. However, I am just sad and needed to write it all down. Writing for me has always been very therapeutic.
Looking back, I see a few reasons why I didn't get pregnant the first six months. I see that I wasn't quite ready to have 3 kids under 3, I see that Clif and I have grown so much closer, I see that I needed to learn patience. Now I really am clueless.
So as a new year begins it will probably be filled with tests and specialists. I really don't think that there is anything wrong, but maybe there is more wrong then I know. I really just don't know. Of course we have prayed and fasted and I have had many blessings. I felt that we would have another baby and I just have to have keep having the faith and reminding myself, even though it is SO hard, that it will happen when it is time. I guess I worry, what if it doesn't? Will I be unhappy? Of course not. I am blessed to have my two kids. I just have always, always wanted a big family. I have wanted to be a mom since I can remember. When I was in 3rd grade my autobiography that I did for school said, that I was going to go to BYU, have twin boys and twin girls and marry a rich man so I could stay home with my kids.
Now I can take a deep breath, hope for great things in the new year, and be grateful that I get to stay home with the 2 children I have, and cherish all the time I have with them.
